A Monster
by Saoirse3473
Summary: Full Summary inside... simply, AnakinVader thinks about what he did when he turned and realized he screwed up. Contemplates suicide...me getting over writer's block...read the full summary and AN. No Flames...R&R. Thanx.


Disclaimer: I, do not own any star wars characters…the beautiful mind of George Lucas does…lucky bloke!

Author's Note…PLEASE READ: As we all know, unless you've been hiding under a rock for about the past 20 years at least…even though I wasn't even born yet…Anakin Skywalker, unfortunately turns into Darth Vader. Now I know he, more than likely, wouldn't be regretting his turn at all since he was convinced and all by Sidious… but I thought maybe he realized after his turn that he had lost everything…padme, Obi-wan, …so on and so forth…so this is my take on things….

Summery: Anakin/Darth Vader realizes that he pretty much screwed up his life by turning to the dark side. He thinks about Padme, his "baby boy", and Obi-Wan. Not to mention himself, and contemplates suicide…better than leaving and betraying the newly formed Empire…Vader is not a "machine" yet even though at this point in time he should be. This takes place the night after the duel with Obi-Wan…the night he finds out Padme is dead. Towards the end he really focuses on Luke because, well, Luke is his son. Duh! I placed all thoughts in '…..', all flash backs/premonitions in "_Italics"_. And accentuated words in italics… for example…"How _dare_ he…" just me typing because I'm bored and feeling bad for Anakin for all his loss in life…not supposed to awesome or anything…just trying to also get over writers block.

Enjoy…..

She's dead. My angel…my life…the only light in my life has now dimmed down and finally died. Burned out. Dead.

'I need you, Padme! I can't breath! Help me!' I think out loud. It's useless though, she's gone. Never to return. I can't live with this. She's gone. It's my entire fault. I hurt her. I broke her. I killed her.

Without touching her, I killed her. Mercilessly, I killed her, paying no attention to her pleas. An invisible force surrounding her neck and grasping it with such power…at my demand. She is dead because I allowed it. It's ironic in a way. I did all this for her, supposedly, just to save her life, and she died anyway. She died because of me, even when I was attempting to save her life. I look back on that now and I realize that it was some shitty excuse. I was greedy. I wanted more, and I know I shouldn't have. I was headstrong. No. I was more than headstrong. I was flat-out arrogant. It's all because I was told I was the "Chosen One". What a lie that is. Obi-Wan was right about everything. I _was_ too old to start training. I was dangerous. I still am. I'm a monster all because I was the "chosen one". I'm overconfident in my work. I never let go. I fell in love and now I'm paying for it now.

I know I can be at one with my self…but that means taking my life somehow. Or leave master Sidious behind. I shudder at the thought.

'I might as well be dead.' I think aloud once more.

That would be the only way out of this. I can't do this. _This_ isn't my destiny. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Once again Obi-wan was right.

"_You're the chosen one, Anakin! It was said that YOU would DESTRO the Sith…not JOIN them!"_

"_I HATE YOU!"_

"_You were my brother, Anakin… I love you."_

I shifted my position. The memory is a disturbing one. He loved me. He was like the father I never would have known…I was like the son he never would have known. If I didn't call our relationship a father-son relationship, then it would be brother to brother.

We were partially inseparable. I regret that whole night. It seemed as if it were only last night. Unfortunately that was true. It _was_ last night. It _was_ last night that I choked Padme. It _was _last night that Obi-Wan left me to rot in hell. It_ was _last night that padme had given birth to our baby boy.

A sudden realization just struck my face. My child!

I didn't even know he still was alive. For all I know, he could be in a coffin next to Padme. Then again, if he didn't survive, those in charge of her probably didn't want the whole galaxy to know that she was Pregnant. It would start too much commotion. It would raise questions like _who is the father?_ And _why was it kept secret?_ I don't want to risk anyone finding out that Padme and I were married. That would be horrible. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I don't want the whole galaxy to know I'm the father… I can see it now. All over the paper. _Darth Vader and Senator Amidala…Marriage with children…_

That would not be good.

Where was my master when I needed him? I mean….Obi-Wan…

I sink my head into the palms of my hands and let a sigh and groan.

This day could _not_ get any worse.

Maybe I should leave. Maybe not just Lord Sidious, but the galaxy…life.

I glance over at my lightsabre. Instead of using the force to grab it I simply stand up and walk to my nightstand, where my sabre usually never leaves at night incase of emergencies. I activate it and expect a crystal blue ray and energy. Damn I was wrong.

I see a crimson light blaring in my eyes. I look into the mirror which was conveniently located across the room. I see myself wondering if it was truly worth it. I'm not the same man I used to be. I look at the reflection of the glowing sword and despite how much I wanted it to be blue or green even, it was an angry red. My eyes matched it almost. They too were no longer blue. They too are burning with anger. I suddenly feel an emotion I had not sensed since I was having dreams. No not dreams, _nightmares_ about Padme. And before that, my mother. I think it's fear.

I feel a small drop of sorrow fall down my cheek. I _cannot_ be crying. I'm a _Sith Lord_!

That thought however didn't help much…because I felt one more, and then another and so on and so forth.

I deactivate my lightsabre and toss it somewhere. It seems to me no matter what, I deserved this.

I, Darth Vader, am a monster.

I call myself Darth Vader merely for one reason… Anakin Skywalker was a good person for the most part…I am _not_ Anakin anymore. There is a difference. I'm a sith, he, A Jedi Knight. A monster is not to be confused with a Jedi.

I suddenly hear something. I do not know what it is… I can barely make out words, if there were any to begin with. I listen closely and hear screaming and hard breathing…then it stops. I feel a small tickling on my neck and feel a presence that I had not felt in a day... what seemed like forever….

"_Anakin"_

I shudder and listen to see if there is anymore…there is nothing but the screaming silence. Once again I grab my lightsabre, using the force this time. I activate it and look at it once more, still debating what to do. I hold it towards my self, something I normally would not do. Not in a million years.

My thoughts then head towards my son. I decided that if he still would be living, Obi-Wan would take him somewhere safe where the Empire didn't reach. Somewhere familiar though…it hit me.

'Tatooine.'

Obi-Wan would take him to his Aunt Beru and His Uncle Owen. I shiver at this thought. They are good people; I'm not saying they aren't. However, they know who his father is and what his father is…a creature of terror and destruction. I just want to see my son now. That is my last purposes in life…convince his Aunt and Uncle that his father is a bad person but has changed after he made a huge fuck up.

After I see him, or attempt to find him, I'll leave forever. I just want to see him and leave somewhat of a good impression on his aunt and uncle so that when his son, if his son would ask about him, Beru and Owen would tell him simple storys and not try to fill his head with horribly true facts about how his father was a sith and that he helped kill everyone in the Jedi order.

I pray to the Force that never would happen. The last thing I want is my son to think of me as monstrous, even though I am.

I feel more tears slide down and I let out a sob. I was crying even harder, even though I never stopped. About a moment later I find myself sobbing like the broken soul that I am. This was it. I can't take it. Voices are once again ringing in my ear. I hear cheerful shouting this time. I close my eyes in agony. This time I actually see something. I see a boy with a smile from ear to ear. He looks amazingly like me. It couldn't be…could it?

He gets out of a speeder and is throwing his arms around in the air in a triumphant manner. A couple of other kids soon join him. One kid eventually says something that strikes me hard.

"_Luke Skywalker… You are my best friend!"_

Luke. It fit him. I like it. Luke Skywalker. I'm amazed that Owen kept the Skywalker name going. I guess Owen thought good of me, somewhere. Another child soon is talking to Luke.

"_Where did you get that talent? Where did you learn to pilot like that?" _

I listen closely to hear Luke's reply.

"_Like I know? Maybe from my Father. I don't know. Uncle Owen told me he used to pilot a bit. He only told one more thing about him though…"_

"_What? What did he say?"_

"_My dad was a Jedi Knight! His name was Anakin…Anakin Skywalker. Uncle Owen told me that a Sith Lord named Darth Vader murdered my dad…wait until I get my hands on him…"_

I decide I don't want to hear anymore. I feel justified…no. I feel like I owe Owen my life. The truth is that Darth Vader did murder Anakin Skywalker. However, I have no desire to let Luke find out that Darth Vader is his father. I have no desire to be here anymore. Maybe instead of heading to Tatooine, I leave life without delay. I figured that I probably…Anakin probably left a "print" on the force. He could talk to Luke that way. If Luke was anything like me, which just looking at him, I can determine that he is almost identical, he would be a very force sensitive child. I take the Lightsabre that I had, again turned off, in the middle of the "premonition" , if you will, and activate it for the third and final time. I close my eyes…I think of those who matter most… Padme, Luke, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, and pointed the sabre towards me…and repeated five words that meant the most to me. But this time I added one more word…

"_May the force be with you…son."_


End file.
